Meet My Spammers, Part One

Dear Gmail:

I think the honeymoon is officially over. I was lured by your sexiness, and God knows I live by Google, but you've really let me down. I left my safe little Hotmail account because it was spamming me to death. And you told me you had a better filter. So I pulled out of Hotmail, lickety split, and imported all my contacts and sent out 3 zillion emails saying "I have a new account." So it's too late to go back now; I'm stuck with you.

In the last four days, I've gotten 32 emails from people who apparently think I need discounted prescriptions, cheap computer upgrades, and a, and I quote, "big wee-wee." I don't need any of these things, G (you don't mind if I call you G, do you?). And I don't want your recipes for Spam Fajitas or Vineyard Spam Appetizers. I just want these people to stop emailing me.

I'm keeping a list, G. And since these people are obviously my friends, I've decided to give them each a personality, a face, a story. Read 'em and weep, G. Look at what you've forced these people to do.

I'll start with Lucas Dooley.

Lucas Dooley began his career working at a feed store in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, right out of high school. A freak accident involving 13 rats and a bag of Purina Oat Chop for cattle rendered Lucas unable to continue in this line of work, so after his recovery, he began to sell Hummel figurines on ebay. His feedback score was deplorable, since he lived nowhere near a UPS pickup location and had to haul the figurines in a wheelbarrow up the long dirt road that led to the double-wide trailer he shared with his ailing, chain-smoking Great Uncle Ken.

So G, I'm sure you remember the day he showed up at your office, reeking of Marlboro Reds, wanting a job so he could afford to fix his glasses and buy Great Uncle Ken an iron lung. You didn't hesitate to offer him a job selling miracle, non-invasive face lifts online and sent him directly to mimrtgpqgfrkagsjkcfrzldmiim.celldera.com to find out more information. Lucas Dooley was hooked, G, and soon he began emailing me, asking me to also visit mimrtgpqgfrkagsjkcfrzldmiim.celldera.com and get rid of my crow's feet. "It's cheating--but it works!" read the subject line of his email.

Well, G, I don't really care. Neither, apparently did poor Lucas Dooley, who has since emailed me twice, telling me about amazing deals on Florida vacations and a sure-fire way to enhance the size of my breasts. Have you no shame, G? Don't you think Lucas Dooley was far better off fighting off rabid rats and walking through cat shit in the back room of the Cedar Rapids Agway than he is asking a 37-year old man if he's really happy with the size of his tits?

I hope you're happy, G.

Woke Up Singin': Who's Crying Now

Music is such an important part of my life that I often wake up with a song in my head. This morning, for some reason, it was Journey's "Who's Crying Now," which was the leadoff single of the classic 1981 album Escape (now 25 years old, and yes, I am obsessed with how old songs are).

I always liked Escape, a lot, and I may get it on CD soon. Oh--here's a recent pic of good ole' Steve Perry, holding his cat called Rufus. Has the raspy-voiced rocker gone all domestic?

In Memory: Wilson Pickett

Pioneering R&B singer Wilson Pickett, who made "In the Midnight Hour" and "Mustang Sally" American classics, died yesterday of a heart attack at age 64.

Pickett was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1991, he was also given the Pioneer award by the Rhythm and Blues Foundation two years later.

What I didn't know but learned this morning was that Pickett served as a role model in the film "The Commitments" in 1991. He lived in nearby Ashburn, Va.

In the News: Leif's Got No Ticket to Ride

This past weekend, 70s pinup boy Leif Garrett was busted by L.A. Police for possession of heroin--after he tried to get on a subway without a ticket.

The Beeb reports Garrett was held without bail for allegedly violating terms of his probation for a previous drug offense. Garrett, 44, pleaded guilty in March last year to attempted possession of cocaine-based narcotics and was placed on probation.

Wasn't he supposed to have cleaned up his act? Did he lie to the world on "Behind the Music?" Apparently. Actually the part of the story that most shocked me was the revelation that "Garrett has appeared in 36 films, mostly in the 1970s and 1980s, and has released 10 albums."

What? When did this happen? Thirty-six films? Can any of you name one? No wonder he couldn't afford a ticket.

I personally never saw the appeal of Leif Garrett. Although I did have his 1978 single "I Was Made for Dancin'." Then again, I was nine.

Perfection on Vinyl, Part Two: Electric Warrior

I came to T Rex late in life. Yeah, I heard and loved the Power Station’s version of "Get it On (Bang a Gong)" back in 1985. And the original T Rex version was the first I’d heard of them.

Then I saw the marvelous film Billy Elliott, and that made me a T Rex fan. When Billy takes that tattered copy of Electric Warrior out of the sleeve and plays “Cosmic Dancer” as he jumps up and down on his bed, it sets the stage for the film beautifully—and in a sense is symbolic of what glam rock did in the early 70s. It made tough guys like the tough, sexy music made by androgynous men . Were they men? Women? Gay? Straight? Who cared?

I found this review from January 1972 of Electric Warrior which foretells of the classic status this album was later to achieve:

Well, this is the group, rock and roll fans. I feel it is important to impress on you the ingenuity of these two young Englishmen who have somehow, ingeniously, constructed a rock album that will enter the annals of rock history as one of the most original sounding, unusual sounding, obtusely, cleverly and creatively written albums ever. The sound could only be accurately pegged as "mystic boogie." Marc Bolan and Mickey Finn are the two dinosaurs involved here. Bolan does all the writing, singing, and plays guitar. Finn takes care of the percussion end of things. The rhythms this unique duo create, with the help of various session musicians (who play saxophone, flugelhorn, bass and drums) are devastating.

Devastating, indeed. My favorite tracks are "Jeepster," "Cosmic Dancer," and "Life's a Gas."

Lead singer/songwriter Marc Bolan was the pinup boy of the era, and he had a strange little voice that could croon and rock, whisper and scream, turn you off and turn you on all at the same time.

Bolan died in September 1977, a month before his 30th birthday. T Rex bandmate partner Steve Peregrin Took choked to death on a cocktail cherry in 1980, and bassist Currie was killed in a car crash in Portugal a year later. Mickey Finn is the only surviving member of T Rex.

They Say It's Your Birthday....

It's my birthday, too, yeah! So there! So let's see--what happened on my birthday in music through the years?

Across the pond:

1981, Appearing at The Hammersmith Palais, London, The Boomtown Rats, tickets £3.50.

1981, Wendy O'Williams of The Plasmatics was arrested on stage at Milwaukee and was charged with the offense of simulating sex with a sledgehammer.

1977, Appearing live at Sheffield City Hall, England, Hall and Oates, tickets £1.30p.

1975, Barry Manilow scored his first US No.1 single when 'Mandy', (originally titled 'Brandy') went to the top of the charts.

1974, Ex members from Free, (Paul Rodgers & Simon Kirke), Mott The Hoople, (Mick Ralphs), and King Crimson, (Boz Burrell), formed Bad Company.

1964, The Beatles made their US chart debut when 'I Want To Hold Your Hand' entered the chart at No.45. It went on to spend seven weeks at the No.1 position.

And in the US?

1999 - Flame-haired songstress Cyndi Lauper lends her voice and likeness to "The Simpsons."

1996 - In a ceremony at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in Manhattan, N.Y., Pink Floyd are officially inducted into the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame.

1984 - No. 1 Billboard Pop Hit: "Owner of a Lonely Heart," Yes.

1964 - No. 1 Billboard Pop Hit: "There! I've Said It Again," Bobby Vinton. This song can be considered the last No. 1 song before the British invasion. After four weeks at No. 1, Vinton turns over that spot to the Beatles and their first U.S. hit, "I Want to Hold Your Hand."

And who shares my birthday, besides A.A. Milne and Kevin Costner?

1956 - British pop star Paul Young is born in Bedfordshire, England. His biggest hit is "Everytime You Go Away" in 1985. The No. 1 song is written by Daryl Hall.

1948 - Mick Taylor of the Rolling Stones is born.

1941, Bobby Goldsboro, US singer, (1968 US No.1 & UK No.2 single 'Honey').

1941, David Ruffin, vocals, The Temptations. Ruffin died of a drug overdose on 1st June 1991.

No. 1 in the UK the day I was born? "Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da," a remake of the then-new White Album track, by a group called Marmalade

And in the US, "I Heard it Through the Grapevine," by Marvin Gaye. Not too shabby at all!

Released on my birth date: "White Room" by Cream, and the brilliant album Dusty In Memphis by Miss Dusty Springfield.

The Beatles had just the day before released Yellow Submarine and were figuring out logistics for their rooftop concert at Apple in just two days. Laura Nyro was recording her dark masterpiece New York Tendaberry. Joni Mitchell was finishing up her second album, Clouds.

Written on my birthday: "With Me, Breathing," the first song I ever wrote, which is now 10 years old.